MEET THE TEAM
HACKMAN
HACKMAN
HACKMAN
Hackman (Spaniel), or "Hack" to his friends, family and shrink, is very set in his ways. Rarely stuck for an answer, he feels he has a Sgt. Bilko rapier-like wit but, deep down, he's as insecure as the rest of us. He worries about being laughed at and assumes he's part of a "con" before it happens. This gives him a very blinkered view of life and the bucket doesn't help either!
The "bucket" came about when Hackman was a puppy. His owners bought a "Pup Cop", a remote-controlled device for use when the puppy is alone. It senses when the puppy has been bad and lets out a warning: first a high-pitched alarm and then "NO HACKMAN! BAD HACKMAN!" However, the device was faulty and poor Hack suffered a constant barrage of abuse until the batteries finally ran out three months later! So the stress was born, and manifested itself as an itch behind Hack's ear.
The constant scratching led to the wearing of the bucket and the rest is history! Hackman and the bucket are entwined like the "Stockholm Syndrome" where the captive develops a relationship with the captor. These two need each other. Whilst Hack hates the bucket, in a strange way it's made him what he is a paranoid mixed up Spaniel.
Hackman-isms
"THE PARKING LOT OF LIFE IS ALWAYS FULL."
"LIFE'S JUST A BUNDLE OF FRIDGE MAGNET PHILOSOPHY."
"I HAD A FEELING IN MY WATER ABOUT THIS ... TURNED OUT TO BE A URINE INFECTION."
"FRIK!"
BUDDY
HACKMAN
HACKMAN
Buddy (Westie), or Bud wasn't at the front of the queue when the brains were being handed out. He has a disgusting tendency to eat horse crap which gives a whole new meaning to the phrase 'dog breath'. Although Bud is Hack's constant companion he can rarely be relied upon and spends a lot of time watching TV. We'll meet Bud's cousin 'Larry', a plain-clothes Police dog and learn about his distant ancestors 'The Wild Westies of the Serengeti'. Buddy and Growler rarely see eye to eye, unless Growler is standing on a box!
Buddy-isms
"I DON'T KNOW IF THE GLASS IS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL, I'M JUST HAPPY THERE'S A GLASS."
"A EUPHEMISM? IS THAT LIKE A TRUMPET?"
"THAT FILM WAS THE RUIN OF TOTO!"
"ALL DAY LONG I'D BIDDY BIDDY BUM ...WHAT'S ALL THAT ABOUT?"
"YOU NEVER SEE STUFF LIKE THIS IN LASSIE MOVIES!!"
FIFI
HACKMAN
CHUCK BRANDON
Fifi (Spaniel), a Bitch in every sense of the word! This little lady uses her feminine wiles to play the field whilst remaining at a safe distance. On occasion she wears a bucket (for personal reasons) and has a different colour for every day of the week! Leopard skin (imitation, of course), Gucci, Valentino are all part of Fifi's varied wardrobe. If she were a model she'd definitely be one of the bitchiest on the "Dogwalk"!
Fifi-isms
"DON'T COUNT YOUR BUCKETS BEFORE THEY'RE MATCHED." (A REFERENCE TO A MISMATCH IN COLOUR COORDINATION)
"I THINK OF GROWLER AS THE LOWEST FORM OF WIT ... THEN I THINK A BIT LOWER."
"A GIRL HAS TO DO HER BEST ... AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK BARE HER TEETH!"
"A BUCKET SHOULD BE SEEN AS AN ADDITION TO THE WARDROBE, EVERY COLOUR AS LONG AS IT'S EXPENSIVE!"
CHUCK BRANDON
CHUCK BRANDON
CHUCK BRANDON
Ex-plumber, Chuck Brandon decided that he needed a change of direction. "There's only so many pipes a man can fix!" With a dodgy Diploma in Pet Psychiatry under his arm he set off for Manhattan and fame. Insider dealing in copper made him enough money to set up his first practice (there's a lot of money in copper piping!) Although the unfortunate "Chameleon case" was a setback, he has now established himself as the best of the cheaper end of Pet Psychiatrists. (What must the rest be like?)
Brandon-isms
"IT'S EASIER TREATING PETS, ONE BISCUIT AND YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE!"
"THE NEAREST I'VE EVER BEEN TO CLOSURE IS SHUTTING A WINDOW."
"101 DALMATIONS, NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL CLIENTELE!"
"I LIKE TO CALL MYSELF THE BUCKET WHISPERER!"
"I LOVE HAVING LUNCH IN THE PARK. I DON'T SEE PETS, I SEE THERAPY WAITING TO HAPPEN."
REX THE ALIEN
CHUCK BRANDON
REX THE ALIEN
Rex (Extraterrestail) the bucket-wearing Alien finds Hackman a soul mate on Earth. Their frequent rendezvous provide an insight between Earth culture (through the eyes of Hackman) and the culture of the Dog-like Extraterrestrial. Our Dogstranaut has much to learn about Earth and Rex's naivety provides numerous questions that prove somewhat difficult for a mixed up Spaniel to answer.
Life of Planet Rex isn't all it's cracked up to be either, his spaceship has a lovely chair but he's not allowed on it!
Rex-isms
"MAY THE LUNCH BE WITH YOU."
"THE LUNCH IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE!"
"LOOK, THIS IS A FRIKKEN ADVENTURE, NOT A SET MEAL FOR TWO!"
RATSO
CHUCK BRANDON
REX THE ALIEN
Ratso's breed is unknown, it's difficult to say because nobody gets close enough to find out! Ratso has every disease known to man and probably a few more. It's suspected Ratso's male but no one can be certain. He's the "Most Wanted" on the list of the City Dog Pound Department and has the reputation of being the canine equivalent of "Houdini" as he's escaped their clutches on numerous occasions. He's fully loaded with fleas who have their own opinions on matters, too.
Ratso-isms
"FILTH AND SQUALOR? SOUNDS LIKE MY LAWYERS."
"AT LEAST I'M ONLY FILTHY ON THE OUTSIDE."
"EVEN MY FLEAS HAVE FLEAS, IT'S KINDA REASSURING IN A COMMUNAL SORTA WAY."
"DISGUSTING WOULD BE A STEP UP FOR ME!"
SPENCER
SPENCER
SPENCER
The wisest of the bunch, Spencer (Irish Wolfhound) sees the world though the eyes of a guru. He hands out wisdom with ease and suffers fools gladly: he needs to, that's all he's got! His companion (they never use the phrase "owner") Charlie, is a laid-back hippy character that plods his way through life and empties his dustbins periodically. As he says, "Well ... what else is there?"
Spencer-isms
"LIFE HAS TO HAVE A CERTAIN SYMMETRY ABOUT IT. THAT'S WHY THERE'S TWO DUSTBINS"
"FEEL THE AIR AROUND YOU, SENSE THE CHANGING SEASONS, THEN IGNORE THAT AND CHASE A CAR ... IT WORKS WONDERS!"
"THE WOLFHOUND IN ME SAYS ATTACK ... BUT THE IRISH IN ME SAYS SOD IT!"
"THE LINE BETWEEN TRANCE AND COMA IS WAFER THIN ... JUST ASK CHARLIE."
GROWLER
SPENCER
SPENCER
Actually Growler (claims to be a Miniature Great Dane) is a Chihahua but he can't come to terms with that. Even though he's the smallest character he's the bully of the group. He and Hackman are rivals for the paw of Fifi and, like all love triangles, fireworks ensue!
Growler and Hackman have a sneaking respect for each other but wouldn't dream of revealing their true feelings. They'd rather the world thought of them as bitter enemies.
Growler-isms
"IF SMALL IS BEAUTIFUL HOW COME I AIN'T?"
"THE BULLY ALWAYS GET THE BUM RAP!"
"LOTS OF GREAT CHARACTERS IN HISTORY WERE SMALL, NAPOLEON, GENGHIS KHAN ... THE PLAGUE!"
"I'M JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, I HAVE WANTS AND NEEDS AND PARANOIA!"
LARRY
SPENCER
CHICK AND MINKY
Buddy's cousin who is an undercover NY police dog
CHICK AND MINKY
CHICK AND MINKY
CHICK AND MINKY
Chick works in the computer industry and hates the daily grind. Always stuck in traffic, always has problems at work and uses Hack on which to pour out all his troubles. Hackman however doesn't have a problem with this, he just doesn't listen.
Minky works as a designer from home. No daily grind, no traffic problems and no money! Working as a freelancer can be tough but she's always there to open the fridge and the means a lot when you're a spaniel!
Chick-isms & Minky-isms
"I SWEAR THAT DOG IS ALL BLADDER."
"I'VE NEVER WITNESSED A WIND MACHINE WITH FOUR LEGS!"
"WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING A FRIDGE IF YOU DON'T READ IT."
"I DON'T SEE A FREELANCE CONTRACT, I SEE A PAIR OF MANOLO BLAHNIKS!"
CHICK AND MINKY
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